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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Reasons My 11-month-old is Classier Than You

1-She has servants 24/7 whose job is not only to clean up any messes she makes, but to wipe her ass for her too.
2 - She is not afraid to be picky with her food.  Don't like the seasoning on those green beans?  Why not send them back to the cook with an exclamation of "BLUUUU!" for emphasis on how un-yummy they are?  Classy folks know how to get what they want out of a dinner service and they don't care if the people at the next table think they're being "too mean" to the waitress.
3She will subtly let you know when your shirt makes you look fat.  She'll grab your arm, pull you close, then wipe her snotty face on you just to emphasize this point.
4- She's more than happy to lend her opinion on your jewelry as well.  You just have to let her yank it off you first.
5- She's VERY polite about her pooping and won't even interrupt dinner if she has to go: she just lets it fly, then finishes off her meal before she excuses herself and has her servants clean her up.
6- She'll lend you money when you're in a tight spot.  
7- She never curses - just growls.
8 - She knows that she doesn't have to listen just because someone is telling her "NO!"  Who cares if they think toys in the fireplace aren't "art?"  She inspires other to success by teaching them not to let things like dirt, bugs, or "NO!" get in the way of truly getting what you want out of life. 
9 - She realizes that the war for official "first word" between the Mommy and Daddy people can be manipulated to get her yummy things (grapes) or fun things (someone's cell phone.)  With the slightest hint of "mama/dada" babble they'll scramble to positively reinforce the saying of those sounds, thus giving her THE POWER.  Power, of course, is essential to being classy. 

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