Friday, March 26, 2010

Another pillow bites the dust

I have a question for you. I have a cthulhu fetish, but try as I might, I can't seem to grow tentacles! My mate is very disappointed in this lack, as she's into the prehensile qualities of tentacles, what should I do?
Squid-less near Seattle

Dear Squid-Boy,
Grow something more commonly referred to as "balls" and figure out whose fetish this really is. Are you the one upset about this squiggly-less-ness or is it your fantasy hentai girlfriend who is disappointed by your mere humanity? After all, not being able to grow tentacles on command is a common human problem (yeah, where's your science on that, people?!?), but being in love with a girlfriend pillow who is so demanding of you that you can't ever win isn't. Time to ditch the confusion and just start humping your comforter instead. I mean, doesn't the mere idea of a fantasy object with the word "comfort" in it sound like a better idea?

Book Club Wench Needs a Way to Blow Off Some Steam

Dearest Abby,
Any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated.
I recently joined a book club. The other women in the club are very nice and I enjoy our discussions. The problem lies with only one of the women, named Delia. Whenever I share my feedback on a book we are discussing, Delia does a fake cough type thing and says, "Shut the fuck up, you dirty little whore!"
No one else in the group seems to notice when she does that, and I just do not know how to deal with it. I feel self-conscious about confronting her in front of everyone (I fear they may think I am imagining things and oust me from the club) but for some reason I am afraid to speak to her privately. I should mention that she is about 6'3", has a pretty respectable beard, and biceps that are bigger around than my entire body.
Please help!
Scared Shitless in Saratoga County

Dear FOS,
My first instinct was to ask you about the book club, what the throat area of this "Delia" looks like (see a lump in the middle?), and if there might be a correlation between her height and her vocal capacity... but after sitting on it for another 30 seconds I have decided on one important thing: you are simply going to have to sleep with this woman. It's the only way to shut her up. She's pegged you as a whore and if you don't play into her stereotypes she'll never be able to gloat to her friends about how she "knew it all along." Chances are Delia is bitter that you're moving in on her territory and this is the only way to truly neutralize her. You may want to spike the punch at your next meeting just to make it easier.
Good luck!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

So, you need some advice.

Let's say Yahoo answers isn't helping you out too much. Wikipedia can't help. Daniel Tosh won't answer your tweets, let alone tell you what to do. Where can you possibly turn for advice on all of life's dramatic decision-making? WHERE CAN YOU GO?!?
How about to some random person named Abby on the internet? PERFECT!
All Abbies are inherently good at advice-giving. (And pluralizing complicated things like names or words ending in es. Obviously...) I am so good at giving advice that you may just beg to pay me for doing it. Or offer to give me free food at least.

So go ahead. Send me your dilemmas, your quandaries, your conundrums and even your 99 problems. I will do my best to turn your needy email into a blogging masterpiece full of helpful tidbits... like yellow snow being full of vitamins and how to use the hair your trim off your nether-regions to fertilize houseplants.