Friday, March 26, 2010

Book Club Wench Needs a Way to Blow Off Some Steam

Dearest Abby,
Any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated.
I recently joined a book club. The other women in the club are very nice and I enjoy our discussions. The problem lies with only one of the women, named Delia. Whenever I share my feedback on a book we are discussing, Delia does a fake cough type thing and says, "Shut the fuck up, you dirty little whore!"
No one else in the group seems to notice when she does that, and I just do not know how to deal with it. I feel self-conscious about confronting her in front of everyone (I fear they may think I am imagining things and oust me from the club) but for some reason I am afraid to speak to her privately. I should mention that she is about 6'3", has a pretty respectable beard, and biceps that are bigger around than my entire body.
Please help!
Scared Shitless in Saratoga County

Dear FOS,
My first instinct was to ask you about the book club, what the throat area of this "Delia" looks like (see a lump in the middle?), and if there might be a correlation between her height and her vocal capacity... but after sitting on it for another 30 seconds I have decided on one important thing: you are simply going to have to sleep with this woman. It's the only way to shut her up. She's pegged you as a whore and if you don't play into her stereotypes she'll never be able to gloat to her friends about how she "knew it all along." Chances are Delia is bitter that you're moving in on her territory and this is the only way to truly neutralize her. You may want to spike the punch at your next meeting just to make it easier.
Good luck!

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