Thursday, December 30, 2010

Once Again I Make Promises To Myself Based on the Arbitrary Passing of Time

It's nearly New Year's for all us non-Asian folks, so you know what this means: Resolution Time!  Every year I scoff at the resolution trend (after all, why does Jan. 1st matter?  If you really want to change you can start any time!), but then I secretly make resolutions anyway.  This year I'm coming out of the closet with them - here goes!  

1- I resolve to watch The Secret 5 times in a row, then force the Universe to fix my neck for me.   Because obviously the problem is that I haven't been wanting it fixed enough these past 7 1/2 months.
2 - I then resolve to then take some crazy martial arts classes (Krav maga, anyone?) so that I can go punch everyone who screwed up my disability paperwork in the throat and run away before they can catch me.  Oh, and every driver who pissed me off last year too.  I guess you would call me a serial throat-puncher at that point.
3 - I resolve to take my serial-throat-punching skills to the next level after that and go fix the programming in Hollywood.  (I mean, come on, Glee writers, I know you can stop throwing endless streams of "tribute" episodes at us and changing Sue Sylvester's job title/likability factor every other episode if you really want to.  Especially if you don't want your throat punched.)
4-  I then resolve to apply these throat-punching skills in the kitchen and figure out how to not only break eggs with one hand, but also to chop onions and dice garlic with my bare hands.  With these new-found skills I shall then impress the people at Le Cordon Bleu cooking school so much that they will let me in for free and teach me everything I need to know about world cuisine in a 4-week period.
5 - I resolve to find The Most Interesting Man in the world and get him to write a children's book about dolphins and dinosaurs.  (Not related to martial arts skills per se... just a cool idea.)
6 - I resolve to get a job with my new culinary prowess cooking for the loonies at Fox News and all their nutso Tea Party friends.  With my creamy sauces, rich spices and home-baked bread I will then subdue them into not being batshit insane anymore and thus make the world a better place.  
7 - I resolve to write to Henry Rollins to tell him of these achievements and, in his excitement at Ann Coulter's recent quiet cheerfulness, he will reunite Black Flag and I will sing the opening number.
8 - I resolve to use this "in" with the musical community to get Sadie a regular spot on Yo Gabba Gabba called "Sadie's Animal Noises!" where she can show off her favorite animal noises and teach everyone how to properly shake their groove thangs.  (Also, she'll get to wear DJ Lance's hat backstage, which is really just a bonus.)
9 - I resolve to put all the money she earns from that job into a cool new invention called the Taco Beam.  This will be some sort of an outer-space teleportation/matter-organizer that will allow the user to dial a number on their cell phone, order whatever type of tacos they want, then have them materialize in their hand within 10 seconds.  Additionally, for every taco delivered in this manner, there will also be a free taco beamed to a designated pick-up spot in an impoverished country, thus ending world hunger.
10 - And finally, I resolve to lose 20 pounds.  (Which might happen during the martial arts training portion of this anyway, but still... it wouldn't be a New Year if I wasn't starting off with body image issues.)

Thus concludes my list of resolutions.  Here's hoping I can pull it all off!



  1. I just had to point out that the collection of words for this post under "Labels" shows that this is clearly the coolest post, EVAR!

  2. Oh Abby... you are the coolest!