The Battle of the Bulging Disc

Someday I'm going to feel better.  My neck is going to stop shooting pains down my arms when I type or drive or sneeze or lift something and I'm going to go punch some lowlifes in the face just because my body is so awesome and working so well.

Someday. 

Someday makes me feel better.


Which is necessary on a day like today. 

Staying positive when you haven't felt your right pinky finger in 2 days is tricky, let me tell you.  Almost as tricky as working at a library and not picking up any books so things don't get worse. 

I'm referring, of course, to the disc I have bulging and pinching the nerve between my C5 & C6 vertebrae.  Let my pain be a lesson to you women out there: don't try to throw your 18lb child in the air and catch them the way your significant other does unless you are way, way better shape than I am.  I made that mistake back in April and here were are in September and I'm still spending a significant portion of my day laying on the floor so that the spasms stop. 

So now what?
As always, all doctors want to treat it the way that they know how. 

• Urgent Care says, "Pain meds, ice, see your doctor."

• Primary Care doc says, "Pain meds, ice, phyiscal therapy, referral to neurology.  Maybe try a chiropractor."

• Physical Therapist says, "Huh.  Seems like you're in pain.  Lemme jam my fingers into it & give you exercises you're not allowed to do until you can go 24 hours without pain meds" (which never happens).

• Chiropractor #1 says, "Come back 3 times a week so I can make things worse with my bad adjustment technique."

• Chiropractor #2 says, "Come back 3 times a week & pay me $60/visit because your insurance sucks."

• (At this point my bank account says, "Nuh-uh.")

• Neurologist says, "After stabbing you and electrocuting you for half an hour we've determined that you are in pain.  Please go to a surgery center to get steroids injected into your spinal column & come back for my next available appointment in 3 1/2 months.  Also, muscle relaxants - take them."

• Pain Center doc says, "Oh, didn't I mention this usually takes 3 injections to work?  You need to take all kinds of time off work you can't afford so we can stab at your neck and render you unable to lift anything more than 5lbs -including your one-year-old - for far too long.  Also, if this doesn't work, we're probably going to use the S word."

So as of today I have one more neck injection scheduled just so no one throws that awful SURGERY word at me again.  I also have chiropractor #3 on the horizon since the second injection did me basically no good and I'm not too hopefully about this next one.   In fact, it's cheaper for me to get these injections than to go to the chiropractor since my insurance covers all $2300 of each procedure but won't cover 80% of the chiropractors in town.

My biggest struggle here is simply getting through the day without moping like crazy.  To be completely honest I am a non-stop pity-factory inside my skull right now.  I watch Wipeout and think to myself, "I can never compete in this because of my stupid neck."  I talk about Disneyland with a friend and think to myself, "I can never go on Space Mountain again because of this stupid neck."  I lay on the floor for 2 hours a night trying to get up the oomph to work out a little and I think, "I can't work out, I'm in pain."
 
You see the pattern here. 

It's all-encompassing & I HATE IT.  I don't want to be that girl who's always complaining about physical ailments.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me (although if they help me lift something perhaps pity isn't the worst thing they could have for me...) or even really be aware that I'm in pain.  Dwelling on it won't make it feel better, after all, so why on earth do I have such a hard time getting it out of my brain?!?

God, I'm even sitting here blogging about it.  Can I even pretend that this post is anything other than self-indulgence?

Probably not.  Oh well.  I already edited graphics for it so I may as well post the damned thing.  >.<