Zombie Training - Part I

So I'm running again.

Cue theme music:

For the first time in what I figured out was almost 5 years.  I seriously cannot believe how long ago that was.  When I was in college I would ride my bike to the nearby beach, run for a while, then ride back home all before I went to my morning classes.

Not for all of college, mind you, just my single times.  For whatever reason having a boyfriend makes me insanely lazy.  But still, I ran for a good amount of time in 2005-2007 until I got into a bike accident and messed up my knee (which then required surgery after 6 months of unsuccessful physical therapy).  There have been several false starts to this "get back into running" shtick, but now after over a month of actually going at least 3 times a week I can officially say I'm doing it.  

WOO-HOO!  I'M DOING IT!

After being as out-of-shape as I have been with the whole neck/arm injury thing I was shocked to find that it was not as difficult as I thought it would be to get some distance going - I had started the Couch-to-5k program using a widget on my phone, but I found quickly that it was holding me back and I did much longer distances if I wasn't constantly waiting for the time to change so I could do the walking interval or something like that.  It's like when I get injections or needle-stabbed for any reason - I HATE when people count it down.  Knowing that there's a timer going on something makes the anticipation a million times harder for me and I get mentally a lot more wound-up if I know it's coming.  So I opted to quit that program and just go to the beach and run at my own pace for as long as I could stand and gave myself permission to walk when I needed to.  (I also have given myself permission on a few occasions to wipe my snotty nose on my shirt while I run.  As long as my toddler doesn't see and no one else witnesses it I would rather have a snotty shirt than a sniffly nose while I run.  I know, I know: gross.)

Once I changed my mentality about how I was going to start running again, and got into the routine of just going to the beach straight after work for a run I surprised myself by running a mile without stopping almost a week later.  Now I'm up to about 2.5 miles without stopping (at around a 12-minute mile which is scoff-worthy if you run marathons, but if you're a chubby post-injury-post-baby woman who hasn't run in 5 years it's fucking AWESOME.)

The issue now is that my feet keep falling asleep when I hit the 1.75 mile mark.  And I have no clue why.
I know what you're going to say and let me tell you now, my shoes are not too tight. I've run barefoot and had the same issue.

I read on a forum somewhere that tightening of my "piriformis" muscles in my butt might be to blame.  If this is the cause, apparently the next step for me is to get a deep-tissue massage of my butt.

*cue awkward, frightened look on my face*

I tend to think about things related to zombie survival when I'm running in order to keep me motivated.  I'm absolutely determined to do this Run For Your Lives 5k in October - swarms of "zombies" chase you through an obstacle course, creating what is definitely the best zombie-apocalypse training possibility I will ever get.  But the question in my mind is, in an end-of-the-world scenario where I'm being chased by zombies, will I need to be fast, or go the distance?  I tend to think that speed is important to have in short-bursts, but if I'm outrunning the zombies I might need to be able to maintain a decent speed for quite a while.  And, given my location, I'll need to be able to do it with hills involved too.

Hell, given my life situation, I'm going to need to be able to run quickly up a hill while carrying a 30-something-pound child.  But I can't let myself think that far ahead because my stupid arm is still having tendonitis/bursitis issues and gets easily aggravated.  And thinking about what I can't do yet is not the mentality I need right now - I need to set myself easy, do-able goals every month so that I can think about the bigger picture later on.

So this month the goal is to run 5k at at least 5 m.p.h. without stopping.  And to figure out how to do that without my feet falling asleep.  And you know, if that means paying someone to dig their fingers into my butt-muscles, so be it.  I will conquer this issue.  I will not let the lazy, grumpiness in my body win.  

The Year the World Ends

So, this is the year the world ends, right?  Here is some appropriate tuneage for your reading accompaniment.


I envision my Christmas this year to look something like this:  

The view from my window will probably look like this, too:

While you may scoff at the idea of zombies overrunning the world this December, let's just assume for a minute that I am right and you are wrong.  What IF the zombies do rise?  What if we all get malware installed on our smartphones somehow and it electrocutes us in such a specific way that our brainwaves are suddenly controlled by evil overlords and we become little more than zombies?  Or what if a virus from computers learns how to jump to human hosts?  Or what if an actual virus learned how to travel through phone and electricity wires and infected the world with a deadly contagion? 
 
Hey, it could happen.  In my mind any of those scenarios are highly improbably, but not impossible.  I figure if the TV show Bones can make a computer virus that can be uploaded when a supercomputer scans a set of bones, nothing is too impossible for the average media-steeped brain these days.  (And yes, I have been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately.)


So, assuming that I am right and the zombies do rise somehow, I really need to prepare and so do you.  Because what if I am right?!?  


I started running 4 times a week again, all on the beach so that my knees don't hate me.  This is the start of my plan, for as Zombieland pointed out, the number one thing you can do to get ready for the zombies is to do cardio.  A friend gave me a tip about this awesome mid-foot stride technique that has really sped me up, too.  Score! 
 
Then there is the obvious stockpiling that needs to happen. Dried goods and water will have to be gathered come November, which means I will have to skip buying gifts for all my friends and family.  (The kidlet will get a machete, though.  Don't worry, she'll be 3 by then.) This also means stockpiling seeds and actually learning how to garden a huge crop of food in a small space... come to think of it, I may need a horse or a cow for some manure at some point.  So add that to the list.

The gun training... eh, I'm still on the fence about this one.  I don't like guns in general, but if a hoarde was running at me I'd probably wish like hell that I had one.   After all my Walking Dead viewing I'm thinking a crossbow is more my style, though.  It's re-loadable, after all, and I don't want to be totally reliant on disposable ammo.  

I think the whole family will be due for some martial arts training for sure and hopefully we can all learn how to use a sword pretty well in those classes since the only other option is whaling on some watermelons in the backyard to train.
  
The thing I am looking forward to least is the zombie fortification process, since Andrew is not terribly handy, nor am I. Basic stuff like nailing 2x4s across the windows should be easy enough, but how do you explain to a contractor that you want your skylight cemented over  and a 15-foot-high wall with no doors erected around your back yard without sounding like a loon? 


Now, I know you're probably thinking to yourself, "Wow, Abby really has put a lot of thought into this.  Why would you waste all year trying to prepare for something that probably won't happen?"  The answer is simple: everyone chooses what they believe in life.  Whether a person believes in zombies or Jesus (who, you could argue, was the most famous zombie of all time) or spacemen or even just in themselves, everyone chooses different things to believe in and that choice is precisely what makes us human.  We get to choose from billions of options in order to make our lives the lives we want to live.  So while I may find meaning or significance in the upcoming zombie apocalypse, others may find it in their quest to outlaw abortion or promote gay marriage or even in throwing paint on people wearing fur.  And the people I get along with best in the world are the ones who understand one important fact:
Just because we do not believe the same things, that does not give us justification to treat one another poorly.  We are all human.  We all have feelings.  And no one likes to be attacked for their beliefs.


It is my goal in life to be a kind, loving person who enriches the life of those around me whether it be through a causal encounter at the grocery store or an in-depth conversation about the afterlife.  I stumble, like everyone does, and sometimes let my temper get the better of me.  But I always try to remember my ultimate goal and know that the only time I know I am able to fulfill this goal is right here, right now. And when I remember this, I also remember to act kindly toward the people I disagree with because their perception of reality is allowed to be different than mine.  In the end, none of us truly knows what will happen to the world, after all.


Which is probably good, since it's clearly going to be full of a lot of screaming and zombie flesh-shredding noises.